


Don’t you ever tame your demons / All you have is your fire

by Tuii



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Absent Parents, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Depressive Episode, Divorced parents, Evak AU, Even's mom has sisters, Even's mom is an addict/alcoholist, Heavy Angst, Hypomania, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Intervention, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, Married Evak, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mommy Issues, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Character, Parents divorce, Sexting, Therapy, mention of suicidical thoughts, mentions of anal sex, missing memories, psychiatric hospital, sex as a symptom, they will make it together, trauma therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-11-28 02:52:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18202535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: He is almost 30, and asking his husband to make him a schedule for the most mundane stuff was humiliating. But it works, so he is happy about that. It tells him to get out of bed, get some clothes on, take Ennis out, eat something and then take his meds, and remember to eat lunch as well. Things that a child needs to be reminded about. But apparently so does one with bipolar disorder, too. He has talked about this with his therapist and his doctor, and they both agreed that if that’s what it takes to keep him going, then they go with that.





	1. I knew that something would always rule me

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a difficult one for me and I want you to read the tags properly before starting. I'm writing from my experiences and my life, you could say that this is somewhat therapeutic writing for me. I need a way to get these things out of me and this is going to be it. Chapters will differ and they can be very heavy on the subject. I try to tag as well as I can and please let me know if I miss a tag and I'll add it. 
> 
> This is a story of a broken little boy who finds doors and closets inside him, hiding there, in a place where he didn't know even existed. It's a story of that little boy opening those doors and finding things in them that he has forgotten ever happened. It's also a story of Isak and Even being together, being there for each other and keeping each other going. And of a little dog that plays an important part in keeping Even going. 
> 
> The childhood trauma that is tagged is something even I don't know about yet. It will reveal itself as the story unfolds, I'll add tags if needed about that. And I will always, always add this note to every chapter as I don't want anyone to stumble into this and be triggered in any way.

It’s one of those mornings again. The ones when it feels almost impossible to get out of bed, but he know he has to take the dog out. He promised to Isak he would take the morning shift. Luckily for them, Ennis doesn’t do early mornings, so the dog doesn’t mind that Even is still in bed when it’s almost noon. Ennis has moved from the foot end to sleep on Isak’s pillow. He knows Isak doesn’t like that, but he also can’t say no to the dog, when he curls up next to him in the mornings, after Isak has left for work. 

When he finally gets out of bed, he notices a note on the fridge door. It’s from Isak, saying that he will be back around 5 pm and that there’s a lunch box in the fridge and he needs to eat it and take his meds. And a bit poorly drawn heart. He smiles at the note and tells Ennis that they’ve got lunch plans today. Ennis doesn’t seem to listen to him which is not surprising. After all, as said, he is not a morning dog. 

Today is one of those mornings when he takes Ennis out wearing his pajama pants, because he just doesn’t have enough energy to take them off and then put sweats on. It’s not too cold for pajama pants outing yet, though winter is getting closer. He looks around for a pair of socks. He spots Isak’s woolen socks and puts those on. They are a bit tight fit for his shoes but he manages to push them on. They walk for a little while, so that Ennis can do his business and Even can buy himself a cup of cappuccino at the nearby coffee shop. 

It’s not been the greatest fall so far. Not at all. Having an episode that is mixed hypomania and depression is hard. Having it in November doesn’t help. November in Oslo is dark and rainy, and when that starts to get to you, the darkness and rain, it seems to eat you alive. He doesn’t like this at all, but he can’t do anything about it. Or actually, he can. Take his meds, see his doctor, make sure he follows the schedule Isak has made him. It doesn’t seem like much, but he knows that it does still help. Isak has bought him a bright light lamp to help with the darkness and it does help a bit. He remembers to use it most mornings, sometimes he keeps it on for a few hours because he doesn’t remember to put it away, but that’s better than not having it on at all. 

There has been days that he is filled with energy and he tries to direct it towards his uni work, and then there are days like today. When he and Ennis get back home, he feeds Ennis and crawls back to bed and hides under his blanket. After a little while he hears Ennis coming to the bed as well. Ennis is the best therapy dog there is, he is always there for both of them when he is needed and takes care of them. Ennis was bought for him, but they both love him to pieces. Ennis brings the needed stability to his life and makes him feel like he can be in charge of something living. He never has wanted kids, either does Isak so in a way Ennis is their baby. A spoiled little dog baby. 

He makes a to do-list at times, sometimes something that actually could be done and sometimes something that is way too filled with hope, hypomania and such. Recently it has been mainly the latter one. Lists filled with too many points, too much to do. He sighs as he remembers the one he wrote for himself yesterday. It has several things on it, nothing too complicated, but the reality is that today is one of those days that he needs to concentrate on just staying alive and breathing. There has been a lot of these lately, this fall has been hard. The cycle has been rapid and fast and had its ups and downs. It has taken a toll on both of them, he knows that. It’s not easy for Isak to worry about him either, so he grabs his phone from the bedside table and let’s Isak know they went out with Ennis, and that he took his morning meds and saw the note. 

He is almost 30, and asking his husband to make him a schedule for the most mundane stuff was humiliating. But it works, so he is happy about that. It tells him to get out of bed, get some clothes on, take Ennis out, eat something and then take his meds, and remember to eat lunch as well. Things that a child needs to be reminded about. But apparently so does one with bipolar disorder, too. He has talked about this with his therapist and his doctor, and they both agreed that if that’s what it takes to keep him going, then they go with that. 

He curls up into a little ball. He misses Isak and it feels stupid. He has been awake for less than two hours, and it will be hours more before his man is back home. It seems that Ennis picks ups on his emotions, as he crawls next to him and makes him feel safe. Feeling tears in his eyes he hugs the little dog closer and he lets the tears fall onto Ennis’s fur. This feeling, the feeling of not being comfortable in his own skin, is something he hates. He wants to be back in Uni working on his master’s thesis, but he knows it’s too early. In this condition he gets nothing actually done and ends up just hating himself more, so the best option is to try to rest. And try not to think how much he resents himself for not being able to keep up with the normal study rhythm, whatever that is. 

Isak graduated a year and a half ago and got right away an amazing job as a researcher. And here he is, almost 2 years older and almost 4 years behind on his studies. There are days that it eats holes in his heart and soul to be this kind of a disappointment. It doesn’t help that his therapist, his doctor, his family and friends say he is not that, because the idea is living so deep inside him. 

He has moved his desk from the bedroom to the living room so that he doesn’t see everything if he lays on the bed. He can’t live like that, laying on the bed and seeing the piles of unread books and messy stacks of paper and notes all the time. Sometimes it’s too much seeing them in the living room as well, so they bought some pretty boxes from Ikea to put his stuff in. And those can be put under their bed or in a closet if the boxes start being too much. Currently the boxes are in Isak’s closet so he can’t see them. He can’t see them at this stage. 

When the door opens, he realises he has fallen asleep. Isak’s home and he has done nothing but slept all day. When he hears Isak calling his name, he answers and soon he sees his husband at the bedroom door. The years spent together have not made him love that man less, no. He loves him more and in different ways than when they were teenagers. The years spent together have made them a unit. Their relationship has always been easy, they fit and match together in a way he had never thought he would do with anone. But that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been those days that were difficult for both of them. Those days when both of them cried and were upset. Because of different reasons. Yes, their love for each other is strong, it is the thing that carries them through the difficult days and carries them through the days when either one of them had difficulties breathing, staying alive, being a person.


	2. Could barely tear my eyes away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking to the bed takes only a few steps, soon he is beside Even and can hold him, tell him that he is here now and that Even is not alone. That he is never alone, has never been. Isak crawls next to Even and whispers hello in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be changing POV's at time to time here, this time we get to see what goes on Isak's mind. 
> 
> The chapter title is again from Hozier - the Arsonist Lullaby.

When Isak opens the door, he can smell that Even has spent his day in bed. It’s funny, being able to smell that kind of a thing, but yet the scent is very strong and prominent. He does call for Even though, it feels like he needs to give Even a chance to tell himself what he has done today, even if it’s just sleeping. Of course Isak hoped today would have been a better day, nobody wants to see the man you love being hurt all the time, day after day.

Walking to the bed takes only a few steps, soon he is beside Even and can hold him, tell him that he is here now and that Even is not alone. That he is never alone, has never been. Isak crawls next to Even and whispers hello in his ear. If there was any doubt that Even has been in bed all day, it’s gone now as Isak sees him up close. It takes a lot of Isak’s will power to keep himself from sighing out loud, as he doesn’t want to worry Even. 

“Did you eat your lunch?” Isak asks with a soft voice while holding Even close. He is almost sure that the lunch is still in the fridge, but he asks anyway. The longer it takes Even to answer, the more sure he is that the lunch is left untouched. This mixed cycle has been taking its toll on both of them. It’s never easy, but having it attack at fall is somehow even more difficult. For both of them. 

“It’s okay baby” he whispers to Even’s ear. Now he just needs to make sure Even eats something. Isak starts doing an inventory of their fridge in his mind, if they have something he can whip together or if they should go with take-out tonight.

“What if we order Thai from that place you like, go to the sofa with Ennis and watch something?” 

“Can we watch Romeo + Juliet?” Even asks with a hint of a smile in his voice. He is almost sure what the answer will be, but he wants to tease Isak. 

“We are NOT watching a movie where the main couple ends up dead because they’re not communicating! I’m not going to give you a change to get any ideas. I happen to love you way too much alive. You know that. So pick something else.” Isak huffs and puffs. 

“Fiiine.” Even answers and seems less disappointed as Isak thought he would be. Romeo + Juliet is his favorite feel good movie, but there are times when it’s just not the right choice. 

“What about IT, the new one?”

That Isak can agree with. And it’s also something he enjoys as well. With that they migrate to the sofa, order some food and start the movie. Someone would maybe think that it’s weird choice for a feel good movie, but to Even it is just that. It’s well made, the story is good, the acting as well. What more could you ask for from a feel good movie? It also is a movie Isak himself likes a lot, so it’s a good compromise. Something both of them like, and neither one has to be bored. They are way past the point where they pretend to like things the other one likes in order to make a good impression. 

After they have eaten, they lay on the sofa. Or Isak is sitting, he has Even’s head on his lap and Ennis is crawled on Even’s feet. Isak softly caresses Even’s hair and head, enjoying the way his man is close to him and seems to be calm.


	3. You soon find you have few choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak: Evy  
> Even: Yes?  
> Isak: You know I can’t.   
> Even: I know you can do anything you want, you’re my superhero

The next day is almost like the previous one. He needs to fight with himself to get out of bed. And he finds himself thinking about something he doesn’t think about often, but recently has been thinking about a lot. That he would be cured. He knows it isn’t going to happen, but still he hopes. That someday he would wake up and not be bipolar anymore.

That’s just a stupid daydream. He is stuck with his curse forever and ever. There was a time he thought that the curse had left him be. But it was false hope. Here he is, stuck with therapy, meds, doctor visits and the fucking episodes. For years he had felt like almost a normal person, well at least as normal as you can feel when you take a handful of meds every morning and night. But then it started again. The hell called mania and depression, the highs and the crashes. The pain, the hype, the crashing, the self loathing, yelling, sleeping, not sleeping, getting new ideas and forgetting them the next second. 

He has been in this hell for too long now. And yet he knows that it won’t ever end. He just started seeing a new therapist and that means that he has had to dig out everything once again. But this time there is a new kind of hope present. His new therapist seems to think that there might be a trauma somewhere in his past, that has triggered his illness so early in his life. And as that is good news, the bad news are that now he needs to go through everything in his past, once again. But if it means that he might be able to get a better understanding of himself and of his illness, he is ready to do that. If not for himself then for Isak. 

During the years they’ve been together they have gone through a lot. Like really, a lot. Together they have learnt how to deal with the days when he has been sure he sucks at being bipolar. That he can’t do even that right. Just because he hadn’t had an episode for the last ten or so years. For years he told people that the reason for his medication was depression, because it felt easier. And it wasn’t actually a lie, his illness had been leaning towards depression for years. And telling that you have depression is so much easier than telling you’re bipolar, because depression doesn’t have the shame attached to it that bipolar has. And Isak has been there through all of this. And still is. Sometimes he can’t understand why and how.

He snaps out of his thoughts when Ennis starts to whine. He needs to just get out of bed and go out. How easy does that sound, that’s something millions of people do every day without any difficulties. And yet to him it’s as difficult as speaking russian or sewing. Okay, he can do this. He can and more importantly he will do this. 

“I’m coming, boy,” he tells the dog, who is already a bit restless, but starts wagging his tail as he hears Even speak. Getting Ennis has been one of the best choices they have made in the recent years. Yes, it was scary to get a living thing that is totally depending on you, but at the same time it has been the best thing ever. During the years he has tried a lot of things in order to get out of his own head, and Ennis has been the best. Yes, he does do yoga still sometimes, and there is a basket full of yarn and knitting needles beside the sofa, but Ennis still has been the most efficient thing. 

Today he manages to get actual clothes on, which is good, since it is getting quite chilly in Oslo. It’s November. Since the weather is pretty, they decide to take a bit longer route this morning. When he sits down on a bench he takes his phone out and sends a selfie to Isak, just to say that “hey, I’m out and wearing actual clothes and it’s not even 11 am yet”. It actually feels quite good to be out. He even finds himself thinking that he needs to fill the forms his therapist gave thim. The ones about his past, childhood, his relationship with Isak and so on. 

The ones he has been avoiding because they remind him how much he hates this. Being bipolar. Being sick. Mentally ill. Everything about it. The meds, the therapy, the episodes, the doctor’s visits, filling up forms about his mood, the fact that he needs a schedule to stay somewhat sane. Schedules are for kids, not grown men. It was hard to ask Isak make one for him, and it was so much harder to admit to him that it actually works.

He doesn’t usually have any problem saying to his man that he was wrong and the other man right, but when it comes to his curse, it is hard as hell. He wants to think that he is the best person to talk about his illness, that he himself knows best what is going on. But the truth is that usually it’s Isak who knows better than him what is going on. It’s Isak who sees the signs before he does, or before he admits to himself that he is spiraling into an episode. 

He has been sitting on the bench so long that he suddenly feels a bit cold already. It’s time to get back home and not freeze outside. While walking towards home he gets a reply from Isak, it’s just a heart emoji but it still makes his heart flutter. After all this time he is so head over heels in love with Isak. Yes, their relationship has changed a lot during the years, but the main thing has stayed the same. They love each other and are always there for each other. Thinking of Isak brings a smile on his lips. 

Even: I want you. I want to fuck you like now.   
Isak: You know that some of us are at least trying to work?  
Even: What has that do with me wanting to fuck you?  
Isak: Well, I’m not in my best work mood if I need to hide my boner..  
Even: Come home for lunch and I’ll take care of it  
Isak: Evy  
Even: Yes?  
Isak: You know I can’t.   
Even: I know you can do anything you want, you’re my superhero  
Isak: You do know I’m rolling my eyes here?  
Even: Yes but that doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I want to blow you  
Isak: I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE!   
Even: I’m pretty sure your work motivation would be better if I blow you  
Isak: fuck you  
Even: yes please! :D  
Isak: I really can’t leave now, sorry babe, I really wish I could. And so does my dick apparently..   
Even: Come home early? I’ll be here waiting for you. All of me. Hard. Eager. Horny. Just for you.   
Isak: You’re mean, I’m not talking to you anymore. 

He chuckles as he knows that Isak enjoyed the talk as much as he did. He loves the way Isak tries to act all offended, but at the same time it’s so obvious that Isak is just as into this as he is. Texting with Isak made him feel good, he can feel the warmth inside himself, and he can feel the semi needing attention in his pants. He decides to treat them with clean linen, it’s so much better to fuck in them. Not to say that it’s always good, but something about clean bed linen makes it a bit better. And today he wants to give Isak just that. If they make it to the bed, that is. It might be that when the door opens, he might attack Isak and take him right then and there. 

And that is exactly what happens. When he hears Isak’s keys rattling at the lock, he walks to the door with few longs steps, horny as fuck. He has been thinking about blowing Isak since their texting, and his dick has been at least semi hard all day. So now when Isak is finally here, he kisses his man and starts undressing him right there, pushed against their door. If Isak is suprised or not into this, it doesn’t show, as he moans into Even’s ear and seeks friction for his own dick by thrusting his hips towards Even. 

“I’ve been thinking about you ever since we talked in the morning,” he moans into Even’s ear. “How good it feels when you have my dick in that beautiful mouth of yours, how good it feels when you suck me,” he continues and it makes Even’s knees give in a bit. 

“I’m happy to hear that, as I’m going to blow you right now,” Even pants and drops on his knees in front of Isak. He takes his time to open Isak’s jeans, it feels like it’s taking forever to open one fucking zipper, but when it’s done, Isak’s jeans and boxers are yanked down to his ankles in one go. Even just looks at his man for a second. He never gets tired of looking at Isak, that beautiful man and his beautiful dick, which is standing hard in front of him, ready for him. He can feel Isak getting a bit restless already, but he is in charge now, it’s his show and Isak is the audience and the receiver. Not a bad position to be in, actually. 

He starts by licking slowly at the precum that has gathered at the tip. It makes Isak shiver and moan out loud, just as he wants Isak to do. He wants to wreck the other one, make him moan and beg for more. So he starts slowly, licking at the length, not giving Isak the pleasure of having his dick in his mouth all the way yet. He wants to tease it first, he needs it. He lets his hand grab Isak at his hips, he knows he is holding the other one so strongly that there will be marks later on, but he also knows Isak likes that. He likes that he looks claimed, that he is Even’s. Without a warning he takes Isak’s whole length into his mouth, let’s his tongue do the work on the ridges and on the skin that is hot from want and lust, and enjoys the moans Isak is making. There are no actual words being said but the message is clear. He wants Even to make him come, the sooner the better, please. 

He hollows his cheeks as he sucks Isak, and he knows Isak is enjoying this, as Isak is pushing his hips forward, demanding more and more and more. And Even gives him just that. He teases Isak with his tongue, lets it wander through the whole length, then takes the dick all in again and sucks and licks and sucks and holds his hands on those lovely skinny hips. He can tell when Isak is getting close, from the way he starts moaning more and how the non-existent words come out even more unrecognizable and he starts thrusting stronger into his mouth.

He let’s Isak dick fall out of his mouth. That leads to a disappointed moan, but as soon as he tells Isak that he wants him to come on his face, Isak mumbles something about him being amazing. He takes things into his own hands, literally, and starts to jerk off. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds before he comes all over Even’s face. He is enjoying being used after being the one who uses. He looks at his man who looks back at him with love written all over his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that after this chapter this fic is going to take a turn to the darker, angstier side. But I and Laika will make sure that tags are updated when it happens and if they need to be updated. I would love to hear what you think, comments are important to me. <3


	4. All you have is your fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But thinking about good sex as a symptom of the illness that eats you alive is not something you do easily. It’s not something you want to do, but Isak knows he needs to have the talk with Even. There are other things as well that hint to an episode coming up. The other day Isak found a huge pile of post it-notes from their bedroom, organised by color. Three piles filled with notes that Isak leaves Even every morning when he leaves for work. A part of Isak is happy to see that Even has kept them, but the other part of him, the sensible part of him knows it’s not normal, either.

It becomes soon some kind of a habit. He teases Isak with texts when he is at work, and Isak acts like he is insulted or that he would not enjoy getting those texts. And when he gets home from, Even is there, all ready and hard for Isak. Sometimes he blows Isak against the door, sometimes Isak blows Even against the door, sometimes they actually even make it to the bedroom and fuck. Sometimes it’s fast and full of need, sometimes it’s slow and they enjoy every second like it could be the last time ever. There are also those times when they first get each other off in the hallway, then move to the sofa and fall down there and end up fucking again. And maybe again in the kitchen when either of them has made it there in order to get water. 

 

He can’t help it, looking at Isak against the kitchen counter without pants on, ass on display and still open, with cum falling to his thighs is something he can’t resist. He just has to touch it. He just has to grab Isak by his hips and push him against their kitchen table and fuck him again. During their relationship they have learnt to keep lube nearly everywhere around the apartment, even in the kitchen, because you don’t want to start looking for it when the only thing you want to do is push your dick into your husband’s ass. And that’s what he wants to do right now. And as he tries Isak’s hole with one finger and Isak bends his back and moans like a fucking porn star, it’s pretty clear that Isak wants that too. 

 

Sex seems to have taken over his life. Their life. Not that either of them are complaining. Not at all. When you have been together for over ten years, there are times when you have all the sex, and then there are times when you don’t have sex for weeks, maybe months. These days Even finds himself daydreaming of his husband, or a certain pornstar or two, almost on a daily basis. And yes, Isak knows that he has a small crush on Calvin, and likes to tease him about it, so there’s nothing wrong about that. What’s wrong is that both of them know that it’s not normal anymore. Yes, it’s good and yes, they both enjoy it, but both of them know that this is a symptom, and it needs to be treated as one. 

 

But thinking about good sex as a symptom of the illness that eats you alive is not something you do easily. It’s not something you want to do, but Isak knows he needs to have the talk with Even. There are other things as well that hint to an episode coming up. The other day Isak found a huge pile of post it-notes from their bedroom, organised by color. Three piles filled with notes that Isak leaves Even every morning when he leaves for work. A part of Isak is happy to see that Even has kept them, but the other part of him, the sensible part of him knows it’s not normal, either. It’s not new that Even gets stuck on something in an episode, and it’s always hard to point it out to his husband what is happening. 

 

Isak hates being the bad guy, the one who needs to call the game off and make the decision to have the intervention. Because that it is, an intervention. He needs to make Even see what is happening, although he knows that at least a part of Even knows it as well. But it is hard for Even to let himself listen to the part that tells him that things are going south. Once again. That’s the issue. Even is tired of this cycle happening again and again and again. He was fine for years and then all the sudden the circle started again and stopped him from getting things done, living his life as he would want to live it. 

 

The moment Isak lays his eyes on Even in order to have the Talk, Even knows. He has seen that look way, way too many times already and he knows what it means. It hurts like hell, every time. They have lost a lot because of his illness, because of his curse. Isak keeps saying it’s fine, but Even is not always sure about that. Yes, Isak also has his issues, and they also have been hard on their relationship, but Even still feels that he is the one who is the burden. 

 

“Ev, we need to talk”, Isak says softly when they’ve eaten and are on the sofa with Ennis, pretending to be watching Netflix. Even sighs, he knows what the talk is going to be about, and he so doesn’t want to have this discussion.

 

“Issy, no. I can’t and I won’t..I just can’t. I’m fine!” Even snaps. 

 

“No, you are not and you know it yourself as well as I do.” Isak speaks in a low voice, he doesn’t want to argue with Even since it leads nowhere. Neither of them handle conflict well, and Isak doesn’t want that to happen now.  “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we need to. I know you know that you’re spiraling into an episode. Or actually that you are in the middle of one already.” 

 

The pain in Even’s eyes almost kills Isak, but he knows that he must keep talking. That they need to talk this through now and then think about what to do. Although they know the drill: call Even’s doctor about his meds, talk to his therapist about what is going on, and wait for the crash. It sucks, but it also works, it’s been tested various times. Isak takes Even’s hand in his own and leans in to kiss him. 

 

“We will survive, bae, we’ll make it”, Isak says as he keeps kissing Even. “We always will. Minute by minute, remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already done and it's going to be angsty. It will also mark a turn on this story to the angstier side.


	5. We're the broken beauties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their relationship has always been easy, they fit and match together in a way he had never thought he would do with anone. But that didn’t mean that there hadn’t been those days that were difficult for both of them. Those days when both of them cried and were upset. Because of different reasons. Yes, their love for each other was strong, it was the thing that carried them through the difficult days, through the days when either one of them had difficulties breathing, staying alive, being human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point where this story is starting to go somewhere and I'm not sure where. I hope you'll stick around though, as I said earlier, this story is very personal to me and in a way my way to deal with my own demonds.
> 
> Title is from Sigrid -Strangers

One of the hardest times in their relationship had been on their second summer together. Even was hit by a severe depressive episode and it ended up being so bad that he was admitted to the ward for a month. He went in willingly, it was his own choice to go, since he was so scared that if he stayed home, he would do something to himself. Because the smell of blood followed him everywhere he went in their tiny home. Because he felt the blood on his own hands, he smelled it on his own hands, and he had to ask Isak to put his meds away so he could feel a bit safer. Now, years later, he has understood that he was having a dissociative episode because of his trauma background.

Isak was with him when he went to the ward. It was one of the scariest moments in Even’s life when he saw his boyfriend leave and he was left there all alone. But there he felt at least somewhat safe. He could sleep, he managed to get the smell of blood out of his system. He got his meds balanced and his mind as well, at least somewhat. But if going to the ward was hard, so was going home. It felt odd, being back after a month. It felt like Isak had built his own routines and he didn’t fit in them anymore. Like he needed to find his place in their home again. He just kept looking at Isak who probably didn’t notice how he felt, how lost he was, and he didn’t have the words to describe how he felt. What he was going through. The scariest thing was that he didn’t want to tell Isak, because he was scared that Isak would think he is a burden. 

Their relationship has always been easy, they fit and match together in a way he had never thought he would do with anone. But that didn’t mean that there hadn’t been those days that were difficult for both of them. Those days when both of them cried and were upset. Because of different reasons. Yes, their love for each other was strong, it was the thing that carried them through the difficult days, through the days when either one of them had difficulties breathing, staying alive, being human. 

He knows that there is sometimes a thin line between what is him and what is the illness. He is always loud so when is being loud a symptom? When is wanting a lot of sex a symptom? When is being tired a symptom? Okay, sometimes he just wants to die because he thinks he is not worth living anymore, but who doesn’t? At times he can’t get anything done because he gets so much anxiety from the list of things to do, that he just can’t do any of them. Then there are the moments Isak calls his cleaning crazys, when he starts cleaning the kitchen before eating and before he even asks if Isak could help, and then yells at Isak for not helping. There are discussions that use very loud and vocal words, the times he yells about nothing, just because Isak tells him to chill. 

When they use their loud voices and big words, people often think they’re fighting. They are not. During their long relationship they have had maybe three fights. But sometimes things heat up and there is a lot of noise. Especially when he is getting high on hypo and is all over the place, and Isak needs to tell him to slow down, and he doesn’t want to do that. 

This curse has taken so much from Even. After the difficult depressive episode he lost his will to make things, to create. Creating had always been with him, he had always liked doing little drawings and making his own movies, but now there was nothing in him that could be turned into any kind of art. Depression ate his attention span, it ate his will to live. It took years, lots of meds, lots of therapy, lots of love from Isak, lots of doctors visits and Ennis to get back to the path that meant he was willing to live again. Truly live. 

He knows that Isak has forgotten a lot of the things that have happened during the last ten or so years. He understands why, he would prefer if he could also forget some of it, but he can’t. The scars are so raw, and they won’t ever heal properly. Isak has made himself forget because otherwise he can’t cope, all of this is just too much for him and it hurts too much to see his love in pain. And it hurts him too, to see Isak hurting, he would do absolutely anything for his man. So he tries his best to take good care of himself, he does what he is told and tries to learn to see the symptoms before they roll over over him.

During the years he has learnt to see things coming, but the thing is that you also need to want to see them. It doesn’t help if you don’t want to admit to yourself that an episode is on its way. Accepting that he’s bipolar is something that he has worked for, a lot, and still he has a long way to go. But he is making progress, he is more open about it, and doesn’t feel so ashamed to talk about it. 

Things start escalating when he really starts his new therapy and they begin discovering the traumas he has been hiding inside himself.

For the longest time he thought that his childhood had been normal. Until he realised that it had not been that. That it wasn’t normal to not remember things. Or to be precise, to have so few memories of being a child. Being a child with parents that loved each other. He doesn’t know did his parents ever love each other, or did they just end up together because his mom got pregnant. That’s the story he has heard numerous times, how his parents got married because he was on the way. The story doesn’t tell if there was love involved. Ever. 

Things changed when his parents got divorced. Things exploded. Everywhere and all the time. He didn’t know how to react, he didn’t have ways to handle the mess that he was in the middle of. There was yelling, there were things being told that he couldn’t handle, there were stories of the other party, there was anger, there was sadness. He was seven years old and lost. For years he pushed those things somewhere deep, behind a door that he forgot how to open. Behind a door he forgot he had inside him. 

Thirty years later the door suddenly reappeared in his mind. Just like that the door opened and sucked him inside. Just like that he was seven years old again, and in the middle of his parents’ divorce. He was that scared little boy who didn’t know what to do, what was expected from him, and who he could trust. Could he trust his mom? He knew that he could trust his dad, dad had always been there for him but mom, not so much.

Grandmother had told him that mom left. Twice. Left him and dad behind. Mom had left his little son behind. How can a mother leave her child behind? What kind of a mother does that? Why does a mother do that? He could ask his mom but they don’t talk about these kind of things. Not now, not before, not ever. When he asked, the answer was always “let sleeping dogs lie”. Well, maybe you shouldn’t let them lie, because your child needs to know what happened.


	6. When I was a child, I heard voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are moments when Even tries to think what has he done wrong to be punished like this. What did he do as child to deserve all this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you keep in mind that this is AU so things are different in this verse. Like Even's relationship with his mom.

As a boy, Even was mostly taken care of by his dad’s parents. They were always there if Even needed something. If he fought with his dad, he wanted to go to them. If he had to go to the dentist in the middle of the day, they took him there. They were always there. His father, too. His mother wasn’t.

It left scars, it left wounds that never closed, some he had forgotten but some never left his mind. Inside him were doors and closets that hid things. Things Even didn’t remember but knew were there, hiding, lurking in the shadows, ready to attack him when he was so not ready. Or actually, he was. Maybe. At least he wasn’t alone with this now. Isak and Ase, his therapist, were there to guide him through this. Even knows dad will also be there if needed, but he doesn’t want to bother him with this. He knows that this is something his dad doesn’t want to talk about if he can escape it. 

After Even lost his grandparents, all four of them, in a rather short time, he lost something important. That was during a period of time when his mother’s drinking was out of control. Because of course his mother is an addict, an alcoholic. Because of course, that’s what he deserved. A mother who never was there for him and who failed him over, over, over and over again. She was drunk at her own father’s funeral. She wasn’t answering her phone when her own mother had died and her sisters tried to reach her. Even will never forget how it felt to hear the news from his younger aunt on the phone. There are moments when Even tries to think what has he done wrong to be punished like this. What did he do as child to deserve all this. Because it must be his fault, although everyone says it is not. But their voice doesn’t have the power to overcome the voice inside Even that says this is all his own fault, that he is unworthy and doesn’t deserve the love of his mother. That he was the reason why his mother left and why she started drinking. 

And when he told her that he was going to marry Isak, she was against the marriage. She came around only after Even and Isak told her that if she doesn’t start behaving, she would not be welcome in the wedding. It had hurt Even badly to say that to his mom, but it had been necessary. She came around and was a big part of the wedding after all, but the fear stayed. That she wasn’t stable, that she drank too much. She wasn’t trustworthy. 

Even had a round of therapy a few years ago and it helped some. But as years went by, it became more and more clear that he needed trauma therapy. That those fucking doors wouldn’t go away without it. That he couldn’t open them by himself, and he maybe shouldn’t either. Although he has been seeing Ase for only about 6 months, it’s clear that they have a connection that helps Even to locate the doors and gradually gather energy to open them, guided with a trained therapist who is ready to pick Even up if needed. Ase made always sure that Even left her office calm and grounded, not in a panic or too deep in a memory he couldn’t handle at home. 

There are times when Even comes home and crawls into bed with Ennis just to cry. He knew that therapy would be hard and absolutely shit, but it’s proving to be so much more and they haven’t even started yet with going deeper into his trauma. But something is happening. Even notices that things just come out of him when he talks with Isak. He keeps vomiting things from somewhere inside him, from a place he didn’t know existed, and Isak is always there to hold him, always there for him. At times it bothers Even because he feels like he is just a big crying mess - which he is - that gets nothing actually done. That he is just a big failure to everyone. That he never makes it into the society as a normal person, whatever that means. 

Like today. He thought he would try to get some housekeeping done while Isak is at work. But when Even finally gets out of bed, it’s only to realise that someone is sitting on his chest and he wants to crawl back in. So he does that. Just lays there listening to the radio, staring into nothing and feeling how tears run down his cheeks. Ennis is worried, it picks up that Even is not well and tries to cheer his owner by trying to lay on Even and give him little kisses. They end up laying there, Even is holding Ennis by his paw, which does make him smile a bit. That’s how Isak finds his little family when he comes home from work, in bed together. 

Isak guessed this would be the theme of the day but seeing it still hurts. It hurts to see his husband in so much pain, he would do anything to free Even from it. But he knows he can’t, this is Even’s burden to carry, and Isak can only be there for him when he needs an extra pair of arms to carry the shit around. Not that he doesn’t have his own shit to deal with, because he has. Isak’s relationship with his mom is still fragile, it probably will always be because of the illness she has, and there are good times and there are horrible times regarding that. And then there’s the fact that his insomnia is always present in some way. At the moment he sleeps fine but only few weeks ago he didn’t sleep almost at all. And that effects Even who gets worried and who also doesn’t sleep properly if Isak doesn’t. Which probably led to the episode Even is currently in. 

They both try so hard to just keep things going. There are moments when everything falls apart and they’re both ready to give up, but then there are the other moments, when everything is good and they can enjoy life for a while. Until there is another crash that happens and demands their attention. Through the years they’ve formed a pattern on surviving. When one is crashing, the other one tries his best to stay sane and survive and drag the other one from the hole he fell into. So that the other one can crash after that. The early years of their relationship had been like that, crashing and dragging the other one through in turns. But they had made it. Living with Even’s bipolar disorder hasn’t been easy, or a nice ride, but neither has been living with Isak’s insomnia. And there has been times that Isak has also been depressed. Because of his husband’s disorder and because of his mother’s situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all who give me comments and kudos, it means so, so much to me <3


	7. Who do you think you are?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He remembers looking at both girls and boys already at high school, even earlier, and having the same kind of tingles in his tummy from all sexes, if he saw something beautiful and tempting. But it was something he never told about to anyone, not even to his closest friends, because he felt ashamed of it. Because he felt like looking at boys like that was wrong, something you shouldn’t do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a bit lighter than this and few previous ones have been. I do love angst but I also know that if there's only angst, it gets hard to read so I'm planning to put some memories from the beginning of their relationship on to the next chapter. From the times when you don't know yet how the other person works and things are bit akward in a funny and adorable way.

Depression is not just laying in bed, not being able to do anything, not taking care of yourself. It can be that, and sometimes it is. For both of them. But sometimes, it is a mask. Even can smile and act as he would normally, but at the same time he is not well. There is a certain emptiness and silence inside him. Nothing feels good, he doesn’t have an appetite, he doesn’t want to shower or take care of himself. Taking his meds and taking Ennis out are the two things he tries to do everyday. And eating something.

Him not eating well is hard on Isak, has always been. During their years together Isak has learned to make amazing food, and he takes it as his most important task: to feed his man. If Even doesn’t want to eat, it’s hard on Isak. He tries not to, but he takes it personally. Isak knows the food Even eats when he is down, and he makes sure they have that at home whenever needed. They go every friday to their local bigger grocery store and buy food for the next week. It’s their couple time, hunting for food together. 

When Sonja had tried to help him by making sure he didn’t drink or smoke too much, he had felt like he was being suffocated. Like Sonja was trying to control him, treat him like a child. That was why asking Isak to help him was hard. Although he knew Isak wouldn’t do what Sonja had done. He knew that Isak was also afraid when he had an episode, just like Sonja had been, but something about their love was different. It carried them differently.

There had been nights when Isak had been the one to tell him that he needs to stop drinking because he was too drunk already. There had been times he did actually listen, and then the times he didn’t listen and ended up drunk and in a state of self loathing. And feeling in the morning like he was the worst person on this Earth because all of his insecurities run all over him. He didn’t get to be a happy drunk, he was miserable and ended up wanting to die because he felt like he was worth nothing. There had been that one time he had been standing on a bridge, not being able to move, just standing there looking at the water and thinking would it be easier for everyone if he just jumped. He didn’t, thank god. But the feeling he had in the morning was something beyond hangover, it was like a truck had run over him with all of his insecurities and fears and left him to die on the street. 

His curse has always been a part of their relationship, it has been kind of a third person in it from the start. They have both had to learn to live with it, they both have different kind of coping mechanisms when it comes to his curse. He knows he is more than just his illness, but at times it feels that it is all he is. When he is shrunk into a ball of symptoms. For mainly safety reasons all who are close to him know he’s bipolar. Because there might come a day that he is so out of control that he needs to be admitted to the hospital against his own will. People need to know what to look for if he starts behaving oddly. He hates it. He doesn’t want to be seen only as a nutcase, he wants to be seen as a person, a human being. He wants to be seen as himself. 

When his first episode happened, he later thought that the reason why he felt like he was in love with Mikael was the episode, the curse. It didn’t help that Sonja was determined that was what had happened, and that Sonja had thought that also about Isak in the beginning. That he was into him only because he was getting an episode, that his feelings towards boys were only there because of the curse, because he was bipolar. Sonja had refused to hear him when he tried to tell her that he had found boys attractive also earlier, he just hadn’t acted on it. That somewhere deep inside him he knew he was something else than straight, that the feelings weren’t just his illness. Because they had been in him before the first symptoms came to be.

He remembers looking at both girls and boys already at high school, even earlier, and having the same kind of tingles in his tummy from all sexes, if he saw something beautiful and tempting. But it was something he never told about to anyone, not even to his closest friends, because he felt ashamed of it. Because he felt like looking at boys like that was wrong, something you shouldn’t do. 

He tried so hard to live like a normal teenager. Whatever that is. Hook up with pretty girls, party with his friends, get a pretty girlfriend and try not to let these things push his school work too much into the background. But in time it became more and more oblivious that something was wrong, something was missing, that he was not letting himself be himself all the way through. There were the hidden looks towards pretty boys, the wet dreams of having a dick in his mouth, in his hands, kissing boys, and all this he pushed to some faraway corner of his mind, out of the way of Sonja. He tried to focus on Sonja and most of him was happy with her. But it didn’t work, of course it didn’t and he sees that now. He hasn’t ever been straight, and as much as he now is proud and out being pansexual, at high school he was so in the closet that he didn’t realise the thing even himself. He allowed himself to look boys That Way only when being manic or hypomanic, it gave him a justification to do that. He tried to hide his desire into a symptom of his illness, and Sonja agreeing with that thought both did and didn’t help.

He tried so hard to be a heterosexual, so hard. He practically pushed himself into the first episode he had by sleeping with girls, using too much alcohol and smoking weed. He sees it now, years later, so clearly, but he didn’t see it then. Then he just pushed, pushed and pushed his own boundaries until he was blind to the want, the desire, the need to touch also boys. He did it because some part of him told him it was not allowed. So he kept the dreams to himself, he didn’t tell anyone. Not until the first episode and the kiss with Mikael. The kiss that changed so much, and at the same time nothing. It didn’t resolve his inner quest to find out his sexual identity, it didn’t make any lights flash saying “you’re gay/bi/whatever!” 

Having feelings towards a boy, Mikael to be precise, may have pushed him into his first episode. Or not, they’ll never really know what was the thing that actually made it manifest, but now, years later, it is easy to see that hiding his true sexuality did have some part in that process. Now he doesn’t have that shame anymore, but for a long time he did have it. And it weighed a lot. It drained him, it ate his will to live and was one of the reasons he tried to kill himself. He felt that he never could be normal again, and if he couldn’t be normal, what’s the point of being alive? Today he is grateful to Eskild who asked if he would be interested in sharing his story with teenagers, to show them that you can survive the shame and pain and become a somewhat reasonable human being. His story isn’t the most fun to tell or listen to, but it is an important one. He made it, although there has been so many days he was sure he would not. 

Today he is confident enough to label himself as pansexual and bipolar. Just like that. That’s something he wasn’t ready to do for years. Yes, saying that he is pansexual has been easy, but saying that he is bipolar, no way. He hates the way the word feels in his mouth, how it rolls off his tongue, and most of all, he hates the look on people’s faces when he says that word. He can see what they think. That he will some day just go all crazy, spend all of their money on stupid things, sleep around with every willing person he meets, and then he will be taken to the hospital because he can’t control himself. And then there is the pity that is aimed towards Isak, who has to cope with all this. And who is left to take care of his mess, and take care of him when he has crashed into the other end, depression. It makes him want to scream, it makes him want to shake those people and yell at them that that’s not who he his, and that’s not how their relationship works. But he knows better than to do that. Mostly because of Isak. He doesn’t want to hurt him, and yes, he also knows yelling wouldn’t do any good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts. I love, absolutely love, that you've been reading this story, leaving me kudos and comments. <3 Keep them coming <3

**Author's Note:**

> Title and chapter name are from Hozier - Arsonist Lullaby. 
> 
> Come talk to me at tumblr where I'm Tuiii or comment here, I would love to hear what you think.


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